Chai Soua Vang, Redneck Slayer

Well now, this is unfortunate:

HAYWARD, Wis. - A jury on Friday convicted an immigrant truck driver of first-degree murder in the shooting deaths of six deer hunters during a confrontation over trespassing, rejecting his claims that he fired in self-defense after one hunter used racial slurs and another shot at him.

What kind of country are we in where we have lost even the right to hunt rednecks? This erosion of my civil (and natural!) rights has got to stop.

Okay, I realize that some people, especially that whiny PETR lot (People for the Ethical Treatment of Rednecks) complain about the "cruelty". But let's be honest - rednecks just aren't people, and it's silly to insist that they have the same "rights". Or any rights at all. God put rednecks on this Earth for our use and abuse and granted us dominion over them, so sayeth the Lord.

Besides, it's not like we hunt them for no reason; we have to control the population! They would be much worse off if we didn't. The females pop out baby after baby, and without some population control, they'd be fighting for scraps of food and eating the remains of their dead. Isn't it actually an act of mercy to give some a quick death by gunshot rather than letting them all suffer the horrors of starvation?

Okay, I know some will argue (those pesky PETRs again) that we could control the population in other ways. We could go to the trouble of capturing wild rednecks and spaying and neutering them, or as some have suggested, developing some kind of "redneck birth control pill". If we just slipped some of that into the beer supply, we'd have population control no problem.

But tranquilizer guns cost money, and the r&d for a redneck birth control drug could cost even more. Who's going to pay that? I don't hear PETR offering - no, they want honest taxpayers like you and me to foot the bill. So not only do they want to take money out of our pockets by effectively shutting down the market for redneck taxidermy and those delicious redneck jerky treats, but they want to slap us on the other cheek by taxing us for population control. You know what, you redneck-hugging PETR freaks? We've already got an effective (and cheap!) method of population control: it's called me, my thirty-ought-six, and a tree stand in the middle of redneck country.

So long live the dream of free America! Long live the tradition of father and son in matching orange hats and vests, out for the early hunt. And long live Chai Soua Vang, Redneck Slayer. Chai, America salutes you!

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